For the longest time, I used to ask God why I was
alone. I was never one to go out dating
random girls, so it would've been easy to single out that fact as the
reason. But the truth was that I didn't
have interest in dating anyone I didn't know.
I never believed my future wife would come from a random date - it would
be someone I was friends with first.
That's not a knock in any way at people who do the random dating thing -
I know people who met that way and have had long healthy relationships. It works for some people, but not me.
Eventually, Laura came along. We became friends online through a Christian message
board. Oddly enough, she replied to a
post I had made about battling depression, and we talked back and forth for a few months before meeting in person.
To make a long story short, we've been together for almost ten years and
have carved out a nice little life for ourselves. God answered my prayers for companionship.
Another big thing on my to-do list was to get out on my
own. Where I grew up, independent living
doesn't come at a reasonable price. I lived
in my parents house for far too long, and I needed to gain my
independence. A series of events in late
2009 led to Laura and I moving halfway across the country into our own
apartment. We've been on our own since
then. God answered my prayers for independence.
After serving the monster that is retail for far too many
years, another goal of mine was to find a job where I could be happy. Of course, I didn't put too much weight into
this goal because, quite frankly, most people dislike their jobs. But when I least expected it, I found myself
in the job I have now. I'm not going to
go into detail, but I'm in a position that I actually like with a company that
I respect doing something I actually believe in. After so many years of horrible bosses,
heartless customers, and meager pay, my current boss is awesome, I don't
interact with customers, and I'm able to pay my bills while still setting some
aside for savings.
Will it last forever? Few things do. I'm aware that there's a near-certainty that my current job situation will not last, and I realize that there's a chance I may have to return to the nightmare that is retail employment someday. But for now, I'm enjoying what I've been blessed with. I'm doing something where I have the opportunity every day to help people get the best out of themselves, and it can be very rewarding. God answered my prayers for a job that makes me happy.
My last big goal was to be a published author. After years of rejections from publishing
houses and agents, I finally decided to go the self-publishing route in
2010. I fully expected to be met with
harsh criticism - after all, if the experts of the industry didn't find any
merit in my work, how would readers ever accept me? But my books have all been met with overall
positive reviews, showing me that sometimes the best way to reach your goal is
to go out and do it on your own. God
answered my prayers for writing success.
In a way, you could say that I've reached all the goals I
set out for myself in life.
So why do I feel so lost?
As you probably know by now, it's been almost two years
since I've written anything of significance.
It's depressing. It's
aggravating. It's suffocating. Every time I sit down to write, my brain
shuts down. I stare at the screen
telling myself, "Let's go adventuring!" My brain responds by saying, "Nope,
Nothing here today. Please try again
tomorrow." I have ideas, but no
words. Images, but no expression. And it wasn't until recently that I
discovered that this dry spell of creativity extends to more aspects of my life
than just writing.
I used to do video editing on my iMac that I'd upload to
YouTube. Sometimes they were goofy little
shorts and sometimes they were vacation montages. I loved it, and from what I've been told,
others enjoyed my work too. But last
week, I tried to sit down and make a video for my first time in a long time,
and nothing came together for me. I
couldn't get audio and visuals to line up.
The program wouldn't allow pictures to display properly and I just
didn't have the energy or drive to keep pushing and researching until it was
resolved. I threw my hands up and walked
away.
I also used to enjoy recording music. I've never recording anything substantial
because I'm not at all gifted musically, but I enjoyed dabbling with it and
seeing what I could come up with.
Lately, I haven't had the ambition to do any of those things.
For whatever reason, my creative juices are shot. And it's not that I don't WANT to do these
things. I have a ton of story ideas, a
few videos I'd love to put together, and I still enjoy playing guitar. But when I sit down to try to create
anything, it all falls flat almost immediately.
The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm supposed to be
focusing my attention on something else right now. If there's one thing God has taught me over
the years, it's that he has a way of taking away or postponing the things I
want until I do whatever it is that HE wants me to do. I'm fine with that - I'm here to serve, after
all. There's only one problem.
I really don't know what he wants from me this time.
There have been times in my life when I've gotten so wrapped
up in my own plans that I've unknowingly turned from the path God was leading
me down and went my own way. When I
finally realized it and got back on track, God was waiting there to continue
the journey with me. I fear this may be
one of those situations, but it's hard to determine when and where I may have
gone astray.
I've considered the possibility that taking a break from
writing was the wrong decision, but if that's the case, then getting back to
writing would be the solution. That's
not working out at all for me. I also
thought that maybe God wanted me to take my writing in a different direction
rather than continue with sci-fi/fantasy stuff.
In my last post, you can see my attempt to do that, but it ultimately
hasn't gone anywhere either.
I've also begun to think that maybe the direction I'm
supposed to go doesn't necessarily have to be a creative one. Without revealing too much about my job, I'm
in a position where I can help people bring out the best in themselves. It's my job to encourage, develop, and guide others. Is that my service to God now? Is my task for God to help people through my
position at work? It seems a little too
easy to me - this is what I get paid to do every day. It doesn't feel like "above and
beyond" or anything like that. But
maybe that's OK with God? I don't know.
And because I know I have critics of religion who read this
page, I'm sure some of you are asking "If you claim God talks to you, why
doesn't he just tell you want he wants you to do?" Sometimes God will do that. But more often, we learn and grow better when
we figure out things for ourselves. If
your calculus teacher gave you an exam and then stood there telling you all the
answers every time, you wouldn't learn nearly as much as you would have if
you'd taken the time to study and apply the material yourself.
Laura says it's possible God doesn't want anything right now
and that this is just a waiting period.
God's timing is not our own, after all, but when things come up, I need
to be ready to act. I know this does happen, but is that what's going on here? I'm not so sure. I feel like I should be doing something. But right now, I'm just...
lost.
God bless,
Kevin
